Is it time to persuade or negotiate?

Somebody once said that the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. Everyone laughs (a bit nervously)when they hear that because we all know that it is true and that we are culprits - we're all a little bit stupid if you will.

Despite the fact that we know we're doing it, and the result isn't changing, we continue to do it either because it's easy or because it's become a habit. The "it" can be many things but often when we're faced with a difference of opinion or the need to get somebody to agree to do something, the "it" in question is PERSUASION.

The Princeton Online Dictionary defines Persuasion as 'communication intended to produce a belief or an action' - now that sounds easy but of course most people already have their own beliefs and tend to act accordingly.

We seem to kid ourselves that if we keep telling the other person that they are wrong and we are right, at some point they will miraculously change their mind, slap themselves on the forehead, acknowledge our brilliance and agree to see the world the way we do. That doesn't often happen though because most people hold fairly strongly to their views and tend not to be swayed by the other party's logic. Just watch any Parliamentary debate, two kids arguing over who should get the last doughnut in the pack or a couple of blokes in the pub arguing about who will win on the weekend by comparing the relative merits of their favourite football teams.

Negotiating is defined differently - 'the process by which parties in conflict adjust their positions by trading issues'.

So, what is the difference between persuading and negotiating in practice?

Persuasion is about telling. It involves explaining, influencing, selling, convincing, challenging, debating, urging.

Negotiation is about trading. In order to trade effectively the parties in conflict need lots of information. Negotiating dialogue involves lots of questions, exploring needs, constraints, motives and priorities, discovering the other party's interests and inhibitions, their fears and aspirations. The purpose is to create better understanding on both sides, so that appropriate trading opportunities become more obvious.

Of course the two approaches aren't mutually exclusive; the dialogue between to parties with different views and objectives will "see-saw" between persuasion and negotiation dialogue as the discussion progresses and there are areas of overlap when we're providing information as part of negotiating dialogue or asking questions as part of persuasion.

Generally people spend far more time persuading than engaging in negotiating dialogue. The reason? We all love our own logic and views and we tend not to be terribly interested in the other party's logic and views (other than to disagree with them). Persuasion seems easy - we all learn to do it in childhood - so we tend to fall back on using persuasion as a means of getting the other party to change their position as a matter of habit. On the other hand, negotiating dialogue is difficult - we have to be genuinely interested in the other party's views, beliefs and logic, not so we can find a million ways of disagreeing with them but rather so we can find ways of trading with them.

Persuasion is only likely to work effectively when the other party isn't in full possession of the facts. Persuasion is designed to change their minds on the basis of new information or a change in emphasis. The key to unlocking the power of persuasion is to present our views and information in a form that is "heard" effectively by the other party. One of the reasons that persuasion so often fails to sway the other party is that we use arguments that sound persuasive to us, which of course assumes that the other party thinks the way we do; not necessarily a safe assumption. Effective persuasion relies on understanding that the other party may well think differently from us and being prepared to craft our message accordingly.

Negotiation is more appropriate when both parties recognise that there is a negotiating, or trading, opportunity. This could be a need to resolve a conflict (for example handling a complaint) or where the parties have different needs or expectations (for example on price, or service requirements). As a result they might have to find a result that's different from their original positions.

Both persuasion and negotiation are important skills we can use to achieve agreement but it is very important to recognise when to persuade and when to negotiate and take the appropriate path.

Finding yourself saying the same thing over and over again and continuing to get the same response from the other party is probably an indication that either persuasion has run its course or we're using our logic rather than framing our ideas and information using the language and logic of the other party.

If you find yourself at that point, avoid joining the ranks of the stupid and reframe your messages to be more persuasive or switch to negotiating dialogue - you're far more likely to get a result.

© 2010 Dr Melinda Muth
Managing Director
Streamwise Learning

Streamwise Learning is an alliance partner of Scotwork that offers a 1 day program on Persuasion and Influencing Skills.

www.scotwork.co.nz