The golden rule of all great negotiators

Tell them what you want…

Normally it starts with the weather. Thank heavens we have weather here in New Zealand (just like Britain, except not as cold and grey) – this is so much more exhilarating and interesting than a climate, I always think. A climate is too predictable.

“What’s it like outside today?” That’s a question of genuine interest to us Kiwi's. Not a question to ask in equatorial Africa or southern France though. You can while away a pleasant five or even ten minutes talking about our weather before you have to move on at a cocktail party to the next big topic of conversation, namely your job.

It all goes a bit catatonic when I tell people what I do; somehow, “negotiating skills consultant” does not trip off the tongue like “astronaut”, “pilot”, “explorer”, “doctor” or “heir to the throne” – not that I have met many of them. Nor is it simple to explain either, I have to say.

“Oh, that sounds interesting,” they exclaim politely, furiously looking for an exit and cursing themselves for standing beside me at that precise moment in time. “What does that involve?”

So I tell them.

Their eyes politely glaze over. Excuses are given and they move on. “What did he say he did?” is a question I hear a lot at cocktail parties, let me tell you. That and backs; I see a lot of backs disappearing in the general direction of anywhere but next to me.

Such is life.

But then – every so often – you meet someone whose eyes light up as soon as you tell them what you do.

“Really!” they say. “A negotiating skills consultant, eh? Let me tell you the secret of good negotiating.”

And I just know what’s going to happen next. I am going to be told some lengthy story about some negotiation that happened in the past wherein the storyteller scores a magnificent negotiating triumph. This is a bit like telling the doctor you meet at a party about your ailments. He’s off-duty – give him peace! Would you want to go to a party, only to have to talk about your work? Didn’t think so.

Anyhow, there I was, listening to the secret of good negotiating. He looked at me conspiratorially and said, “Never let on what you really want. Never tell them; golden rule of all great negotiators.”

So I asked him if he got what he wanted.

“No,” he replied.

I rest my case.

© 2011 Scotwork Negotiating Skills, www.scotwork.co.nz