Why Mr Nice Guy is a deal breaker

I recently ran a course in a hotel where the coffee break was served in the main meeting room whilst some of the participants prepared for their negotiating exercise in a room at the very end of the corridor. Because they were missing all the food, to be fair to them I assembled a big plate of sandwiches, cakes and biscuits and took it to them. The three young ladies looked at the plate and looked at me, and in one voice said “where’s the coffee?”

I should have known better than to expect any other reaction. The fact is in every course, particularly in the earliest live exercises we watch some participants demonstrate good will by giving unconditionally to the other party. When asked why they do this they reply that they believe that a good will gesture / gift / flexibility sets up a co-operative atmosphere as a first step to a “win-win” deal. However whenever I see demonstrations of good will, I find myself saying “oops!” under my breath.

We can predict with certainty what happens as a response to good will and this to most people is shocking. Perhaps to be convinced by what I am saying you have to attend one of our courses but whether you believe it or not, without exception, and I mean “without exception” the rewarded party having received something for nothing as if by reflex asks for more. The fact is when one party unilaterally gives something without placing any condition upon the concession this creates greed in the receiving party, we have witnessed this many hundreds of times, irrefutable evidence, this is a basic human condition, we simply cannot stop ourselves.

Most people would say that the side who simply take without returning the “favour” are the party that cause the process to fall apart. A negotiating consultant however will tell you that goodwill is a catalyst of negotiation breakdown. Of course without concessions there can be no negotiation, negotiation is about giving to get, this trading process is essential to any negotiation, and this despite the favoured battle cries of politicians and union leaders alike.. “No concessions”. However, unless you ensure that you are receiving something balanced in return for your concession… (balance will be the perception of the other as opposed to fact) you may find yourself on a very long very slippery slope.

Even worse than the triggering of this human reflex, unconditional concessions, gestures, goodwill send the signal that you have much more to give. This creates expectations in the receiving party that further tilt the balance against you, and thereafter the sudden cessation of your demonstrated good will may (against the background of the precedent of your earlier generosity) even be viewed as inflexibility and unreasonableness on your part, the very opposite of that which was intended. Further, if the other party receives a concession from you without cost, they generally place very little value upon it.

Often we see that party A having given concessions to the point from which they have no more to give, their limit position, then say to party B… “we have shown our good will, now it’s your turn”. Again “oops!” maybe even “ouch!”. So far I have not come across anybody who in response says “you are right” and returns the favour.. it is simply not in our nature. Worse, because party A have reached their limit position, the negotiation process being a process of concession and corresponding condition grinds to halt for the simple reason that party A have nothing more to give, and cannot trade any more. They cannot move party B in their direction and their positions remain too far apart for agreement.

If you ever have the feeling that the other party has been unreasonable, please undertake a negotiation health check and ask yourself whether or not this is the result of your having given without getting in return with the intent to demonstrate good intent, flexibility, “reasonableness”. If that’s the feeling you are left with, at the risk of being “in your face” the breakdown of the deal is probably your fault. Let’s face it trying it our way will definitely NOT cost you more, you will certainly get more from the deal, you will even see that the other party will value your concessions more highly and you will create a sense of balance in the deal which suggests well for future meetings.

Good will is a long slippery slope… create conditions before you give things away and level the playing field.

© 2011 Mike Freedman, Scotwork Negotiating Skills Turkey, www.scotwork.co.nz